Today I have decided to take on something new. I have decided to blog about me. My feelings, my thoughts, my emotions. Everything that makes me, me. Not for sympathy or to place "me" on a pedestal, but more for a cleansing of my soul. No one may ever read this and that's ok. It's simply a way for me to purge and hopefully glorify the one who has changed me. I give all the glory and honor to him.
Over the past 7 1/2 months my life, thoughts and emotions have been on a horrific yet challenging roller coaster to say the least. Everything that I "thought" mattered to me or those things I gave more precedence too have been shattered. Crushed beyond recognition. My life will never be the same. I don't say this as a bad thing....now. But I can't honestly say that that's the way I felt in the beginning.
Contrary to what other's believe or you may have heard, I'm not a hard hearted person on the inside. I have hidden my "real" emotions deep down for many years. I say it was my coping mechanism. I always had to be brave, tough and strong. I always felt the need to give off the impression that I could handle anything and no one could ever hurt me. This is really the farthest thing from the truth about me. The truth is, I love deeply. I get my feelings hurt easily. I truly feel, when I approach situations that I probably have no business being in, that I am going to help. I have a heart that always wants to help others. I have no malice in me when I try do do so. It's just me wanting to always "fix" bad situations. Growing up, I hated seeing anyone hurting or being hurt. I didn't want anyone to feel the pain that I felt inside daily so I was always the one to defend. The one to step up and put my nose where it didn't belong because you weren't going to hurt my friend, or my family. I would say things that should probably never have been said and defend things I probably never knew anything about just to protect those close to me. As the years went on, I began defending myself this way. I was told once, years after high school, that I was "always so mean growing up, but you are so different now". This stung. This bruised. This made me angry! My first reaction was to defend myself because at this point in my life I felt I was always the defender, never the defendee. I still look back at those moments with remorse.
I can tell you that moments like this arose a lot in my 39 years of living. Probably from the time I could talk. It's not something I'm proud of. Although I can't tell you exactly when it started I CAN tell you exactly when it stopped. 9/6/2013. That's the day. That's the day my world crashed around me. That's the day that nothing I could say or do could change what was done. The hurt, the betrayal, the pain...... All I could do was look to God and say "Lord, please hold my tongue. I can't do this alone. There are so many nasty, horrible things being said about me, Lord and all I want to do is jump. Please don't allow me to move. Please keep me quite. Please, Lord, don't let me retaliate. I don't want to be that person anymore."
One verse that stood out to me and was really my motto if you will was Exodus 14:3
There was no need to argue, to plead my case or even defend myself anymore. Honestly, no one would have listened anyway. So I wouldn't respond to negative behavior, or texts or phone calls. It all became not with the effort to me anymore and this was shocking.
I have no way to explain it, other than God's devine intervention, that took place in me that day. I WAS SILENCED! And, glory to God, I have remained that way! Not by my own free will I might add. There are still so many days that I want to scream and defend every action, every word that has and is still being spoken about me. Which now includes my husband and my children too. It's heartbreaking. But during this time I have been broken. Broken to the very core. There have been days when I
had no hope. No drive. Not even the will to live. God's grace and mercy has brought me through. He has shown me more love than I could ever imagine through new friends, close bonds with my church and closer bonds to the family that chose to stay instead of listening to the garage and lies others created. A job, greater than any other job I could have ever planned for or imagined. And most of all a greater love for EVERYONE, even those who continue to spew hate.
I will spare you the details and events from that day and the days there after. What I want to share with you is how I overcame it. How I am still daily overcoming when Satan tries to rear his ugly head with the lies I hear, see and feel. I hasn't been an easy road but from the looks of it at the mile I'm on its going to be so worth it in the end.
In the beginning, I tried to be strong. Strong for my husband, my children and strong for myself. I could handle this! I can handle anything, I told myself. I'm a strong woman. That was my mentality. It didn't take me long to realize that honestly, I had no control. It wasn't even my battle. I went through months of sleeping all day, wallering in self pity. I reached out to my church family for prayer, took hours out of my sleeping to read and pour over my bible but I still couldn't fix it. I couldn't understand why! I mean, I was reading God's word where all the answers to life are said to be yet nothing was giving me the answers to "fix" this whole mess. So the courageous, bold, strong woman in me decided that I WILL FIX THIS! Now, looking back, it's all very humorous because I was too vain to see that I can do nothing. Nothing that is without relinquishing all control to the one who holds my future. This thought still didn't come quickly. I waged war. I wanted my life back, and honestly I wasn't going to stop until I got it.
After a church service one Sunday one of my dear friends, who is also a leader in my church, grabbed me by the hand and said "you are coming with me". Somewhere way down deep the insecurities creeped up and I knew she was about to throw me way out of my comfort zone. And boy did she!
I've always been somewhat of a loaner. Not in or around those I know and am comfortable with, but I'm not one to walk in a room full of strangers and make friends. At least I wasn't then. So as she wisked me away, I looked back at my husband and children with a look of "please make up some excuse why I can't stay and save me", but my sweet husband just waved and said, " we will be waiting in the lobby when you are done". *sigh* So here we go, walking down the halls of the church. My mind is racing in a thousand different directions but then I think "it's fine, you will be with her and you know her, you'll be fine". So as we are walking I say, "you are taking me to mentoring aren't you" and she replied "yes and you will love it. It's just what you need". About that time we reach the room and she introduced me to a couple of ladies that are standing at the door. "This is ok" I thought. It will be ok....and then.....She leaves me! Pull it together, I tell myself. Don't let anyone know you are scared. So I sat, and I lstened, and I completed the questionnaire. Whew, that was easy. Ok, now I can go meet up with the husband and kids and get out of here. Little did I know, that one friends nudge, that one step out of my comfort zone would end up placing me on the road to change my life.
Weeks later I was paired with my mentor. A woman, who over the course of 6 or 8 weeks heard every single detail of my life. A woman who shared details of her life with me and shared in my triumphs and prayed with me during my struggles. It was amazing.
Along with my mentor, I made new friends that continuously reached out to me to make sure I didn't stay in my pit. I would share my thoughts with them and share my griefs. Still searching for "the answer" to getting my life back the way I wanted it. Did you catch that? The way I WANTED IT! It was only a few months ago that I cried out to God and said "I'm tired, I can't do this anymore. I've lost my job, countless friends, some of my family. Lord, I can't fight this anymore. I give every single thing to you. You do this. You fix this. Lord, fix me". And I honestly walked away. I mentally walked away. I was broken, battered, bruised and may be forever scarred. It easy to say forgive and forget but it's a whole other story to do it. I can't sit here today and tell you I have forgiven. I can't tell you that I have forgotten. The memories of all of the events still linger in my mind. Not every day but more frequent than I care for them too. But I can say I have compassion towards the people and things that have transpired and caused so much pain. I myself have been one of them. I have always been the person to step away from every situation and put myself in the others person's shoes to see how they feel. So of course this ordeal was no different. That hurt. Because in doing that I discovered that I have done some of these same things in the past. OUCH! When God brings you to a place of healing, sometimes it's painful. So in this time, I found forgiveness. It's such a great healing tool. When you give every turn in your road over to God and in those turns find forgiveness for anyone and anything that ever hurt you, you find peace and grace that tells the depths of your soul that you will be okay. That's God. That's God's love. That is what this world was created for. And it's amazing.
I can't lie and tell you that all wrongs have been made right or that all relationships have been restored. I've learned through all of this that sometimes people and things are only for a season. But I can tell you that I am happier now. My family is happier now. My heart is happier now. I still long for everything to be restored and for my name to be cleared but I know that is in due time. God will make sure that all things are restored in his time if it is his will. I know it sounds cliche and this is what all "Christians" say, but I stand here today as proof. Proof that my God is bigger than any job, any lie, any slander, any difficulty or burden, any addiction, any thoughts or anything that keeps you from his will. ANYTHING! And no matter how much one tries to hide it or suppress it or forget about it, when God gets enough of trying to have you do what he wants you to do only for you to look the other way, HE WILL bring you to your knees. I've been there. And now, standing on the other side of this 7 1/2 month nightmare, I'm thankful for every single minute I went through.
Posted via Blogaway
No comments:
Post a Comment